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| Monday, June 28th, 2004 | | 8:18 pm |
I *will* come back to be being a "regular" here, but for now, am still more or less on hiatus. I am working, which is going well for the most part. I am still in the same geographic area, am and in somewhat of the same emotional and mental area as well. For now, suffice to say, "Life is Good". There are things that can go back to stirring, that my attention can once again be directed toward, but the shift will be slow (mostly because that is my nature). My birthday is on Friday, so I will be off celebrating with family and friends. Mostly it is a happy thing. I feel proud. Not to have died. Not to be a drunk. Not to be in a stuck place or tied to a stuck person. I have good friends (even if they're not local - and yes I include anyone likely to be reading this). My family and I have a mostly mended relationship. And I have to log out..lol.Time's up at the library. | | Thursday, June 10th, 2004 | | 5:19 pm |
Hello hello...
Ok, spamming my journal again... I'm running off to the wildlife center, but wanted to say a quick hi. I haven't figured out internet access for the summer, so, it will probably be spotty. In other words, email or call me directly should you want me to know anything in particular, or figure you'll see more of me in the fall... For now: Pride plans are up in the air, I am working (more on that later) - I am inundated with job opportunities right now and hope I didn't choose too soon, but I want a chance to catch my breath, I am learning new things, and so far am happy (it's been a week and a half). Current Mood:  busy | | Wednesday, May 26th, 2004 | | 1:59 pm |
Hooray hooray hooray!
I am no where's near caught up on LJ, but wanted to give a wave. I HAVE OFFICIALLY GRADUATED!!!!! Ok, maybe it's not even official yet, but I have officially walked across a stage - I will post again when I have officially received a degree (is that the proper terminology?). I will probably rant about the totally inappropriate speech given by our valedictorian later, but for now, all I will say was it was one of the most totally fabulous things ever. I would say it easily stacks up against my Bat Mitzvah and that was 17 years ago... Anyway, no rest for me :(. I had a job interview yesterday and one on Friday - and I had to push both back. Today I go to acupuncture -yay! And beyond today, well who knows... Maybe I'll say something philosophical later, but for now I'm just happy. Current Mood:  ecstatic | | Friday, May 21st, 2004 | | 12:03 am |
What I forgot to say was I actually slept! 12 hours - probably equal to the rest of the week put together. My energy is fluctuating a great deal - waves of motivation - this is the last time I'll ever get to work this hard - to waves of fatigue - omg I've been working so hard all along, I think I'm emotionally done . Data analysis hasn't even begun. But a good bit of writing did get done. And there is more yet to go. I'm happy about the writing part right (write) now. I should print out my spreadsheets and crunch numbers tonight (by hand?) well, why the hell not - I'm a geek like that ;). | | Monday, May 17th, 2004 | | 8:28 pm |
How fragile this life is...
A pair of gannets came into the wildlife center Saturday. They were attacthed to each other by fishing line and one had a fish hook barbed through its foot. The other had one hooked around (luckily just around) its wing. The person who called it in thought they were pelicans. I figured a good chance it was gannets. They dive for fish at sea and it's truly amazing to watch. I've never seen a more aerodynamic/hydrodynamic creature. If they're tied up, they can't eat. They washed up with the tide. They'll be ok, but there's something about cutting tangled fishing line and sinkers when you can't even tell what's line and what's bird. What's bird #1 and what's bird #2. It breaks my heart. A herring gull came in as well. It was hit by a car. Apart from a broken wing, its wounds were deemed superficial, but it was in shock and needed oxygen administered. After being tended to, it went back into shock and died. Feathers softly fluffed out, wing taped up, and in a strange place, but probably better than being hit again which is what would have happened had he been left in the road... | | Thursday, May 13th, 2004 | | 9:29 pm |
Brendas are social animals...
I started to update before but it was too depressing, even for me. Now my peoples are here and that makes all the difference. They're not even my people. One works here and I know him by sight and small talk, the other 2 I've never seen before. They're all distracting me, and it's wonderful. Sometimes having life around is so good. Other peoples children and relationships and lives all sort of out there co-mingling. | | Wednesday, May 12th, 2004 | | 5:21 pm |
I feel pretty (butch)....
I feel great having completed work for my project. I absolutely love physical work. Anything tangible, hands-on-where I know I've actually done something. Even a small amount of physical labor gives me a rush. Looking at the adipose tissue (that's fat to the rest of y'all) on my arms, it's clearly not exercise-induced endorphins - it's something else, more visceral. Ironically, it's almost definately psychological and not physiological in basis at all. Current Mood:  happy | | 12:32 pm |
Must not let others time frame interfere with my schedule. I have my own stress now. My partner has just decided to get into the game, but alas I have already de-prioritized the project. Keep focus on my things. Cannot get drawn into what others are doing. Food. Coffee. Then project. In that order. The rest of my work will get done. I said to call when you schedule a time with Pat. The choices were Wednesday or Friday, when I did not receive a call by Tuesday I figured, well Friday it is, or perhaps next week... c'est la vie. | | Tuesday, May 11th, 2004 | | 9:49 pm |
Someone thwap me please...
My computer problems are still here. Maybe the root document is corrupted, I don't know. I only know I have spent about 9 hours all told on this silly project and have nothing to show for it. I sent an email to the Director of IT. After making a nuisance of myself the other day I was granted an audience. Now I'm not sure about how to proceed with the rest of my work. I have backups of where things are now, but I don't feel so good about moving forward and getting back to SQUARE one. | | 7:39 pm |
| | 4:15 pm |
I have been one acquainted with the night...
The weather has been amazing lately - especially at night. Crisp, cool breezes layered on warmer air stars piercing through fog. Mockingbird song wafting through the neighborhood. During the night there is peace. A reprieve. A time between. During the night anything is possible. I'm having trouble working during the day. At night I am blocked because there are no computers. During the day I am blocked by the sun. My binoculars and bird book taunt me. Daydreams settle in my head. It is hard to focus. There are squirrels playing outside. Juveniles chasing each other. I want to go play too. I worked in offices for years. But then I had weekends. In two weeks I can have as much time as I want. I just need to walk through this to get there. I've never had to do anything like this before in my life. It feels different this time, then being dewy-eyed back in school, working so hard. Now I am ready to leave. If I stop looking out the window wistfully, I may actually be able to go outside. Current Mood:  lazy | | Monday, May 10th, 2004 | | 9:17 am |
Mis-adventures or Myth-adventures if you're a Robert Aspirin fan
So, I finally decide I'm up to the task of finishing my lab report and proceed to do so. I hit save and whammo - squares - all squares nothing but squares. Then I go out into the beautiful night (the library was closing and after confirming no one can fix it for me it was time to leave). But a beautiful night it was and I looked at stars and chatted with my lovely friend in Alaska, who is of course up at 12:00 am EST. At some point I set my bag (with all of my school work) down by a tree. I swear I remember picking it up. Yet after driving to 7-11 to get more coffee and all the home, it was mysteriously not in my car. So, back to school, and there was my bag - serenely resting against the same tree, as if it were waiting for me. I picked it up and drove back home. My 8 am class was cancelled which is exactly what I want to see when I get up at 6:30 after going to bed at 3:30.... and there's no coffee on campus when you come in that early, so my current thought of re-creating what I lost is not happening. Ah, well. 8:30 has come and there is now coffee. Current Mood:  sleepy | | Tuesday, May 4th, 2004 | | 9:24 am |
Free association
Starting work with a clear heart and a clean mind. Tethered to the internet, not wanting to pull the plug. Tied to escape, yet freed from suffering. The beach, this time of year, is beautiful. The biochemical effects of insecticides on target on non-target organisms is captivating (at least I hope when I present it, it will be). It's hard to imagine that soon I will able to go back to being a person. Right now I am a paper-writing machine. Bioremediation in soils and sediments - I don't know enough about you yet, and my friend the coastal California gnatcatcher - you have caused me much grief - I hope I'll be able to see you someday. Tonight will be the third (fourth?) time this month I'm the speaker at a meeting. Sometimes I try to keep my writing inside the box... interesting to do while thinking outside the box. Current Mood: peaceful | | Monday, May 3rd, 2004 | | 2:43 pm |
Spring..
My little flowers are not blooming yet, but like proud mothers, my partner and I were admiring the growth of our tiny little plants. My, have they shot up quickly. Anyway, on the emotional front I'm feeling a little calmer. It feels very zen-like - going out with the bowl every day and not being able to keep any aside. I just paid my May rent and realized I won't have enough for June. I'm not sure quite what I want to do - but relaxation and decompression is definately on the agenda. I am considering staying here to get my bearings, although it's not really practical money-wise. Something to think about. | | Friday, April 30th, 2004 | | 3:28 pm |
Week from hell....
I am going to have to struggle with not beating myself up for this one. I can already feel my brain spinning. Friday is just a bad day, I think. The week just builds up and I become a volcano. Really it's been a hard week. I found out Saturday that K is with someone new. He didn't tell me himself, A told me and didn't realize I didn't know (I didn't tell her). I guess after a week of swallowing something big, it's no wonder that something had to come out somewhere. It's hard for me to explain to people why I care. It's been a long time, and I never thought it would last - I just my age catching up with me (don't anyone older than me laugh) and it's a hard time for me. I don't know what I'm doing after I graduate and I've been so isolated and immersed in this program it feels like the rug is being ripped out from under me. I can't really stay where I am and I don't feel entirely in a good place to be transplanting myself. So, if I'm acting out a little I guess it's ok. The trick is not keep trying to make it better, and hence drawing attention to it. From a 12th-step book (paraphrased), "we cannot afford self-righteous anger". I believe that. I can accelerate from tranquil to rage in less than 6 seconds. Luckily, it reverts back to tranquil. But at what cost? How much cortisol is produced that literally eats my brain cells. Obviously no one else is worried about what I'm doing, why do I concern myself with this pettiness. Talk about "self-centered, childish, and grandiose" (also paraphrased from the 12-and-12 description of the typical alcoholic according to a psychological study). Current Mood:  okay | | 11:38 am |
Tea time ....?
I just took an exam in about 10 minutes. Now I am unabashedly typing in LJ on a *very* public computer (think fishbowl) - whatever is the world coming to? Could it be that I just don't care anymore? That it is slowly dawning on me that if I come 2 monthes from now, it will be as an alum ?
I am up to my elbows in compost tea. Any of my horticulturally inclined friends played with this stuff? It's pretty neat - basically you throw together a small amount of "mature" compost plus a bunch of things (in this case humic acid, fish emulsion, stinging nettles, equisetum, and worm castings - the compost component is also jam packed with interesting things such as more nettles and equisetum along with chamomile, oak bark, and yarrow). I didn't write the recipe, I'm just analyzing it. This involves taking a look at the bacterial content of the tea (which is made by throwing above ingredients into a copious amount of water and aerated for 24 hours) which we are just starting to start to quantify, but so far has grown into 4 lovely morphologies on agar on Sabidour plates. We are also analyzing the tea for phospates, ammonia, nitrates, and nitrite content. Yay for the auto analyzer! After 12 test kits and several dilutions, it's nice to let the machine work, too. Another phase of this fascinating endeavor involves experimentation on Brassica rapa otherwise known as "fast plants". We're comparing plants watered with the tea with those just given the same amount of humic acids and fish emulsion without the benefit of brewing or the compost itself. So far, this has involved working with a little itty bitty ruler. Soon it will involve pulverizing leaves and performing chlorophyll assays. And we will be pollinating by Monday to look at seed production! | | Thursday, April 29th, 2004 | | 9:06 pm |
Peek in...
Ok, been extremely busy lately. There are a lot of feeling things to process, so that can be expected soon. Meanwhile there are people around, and I am task-distracted (er, focused). So, I will get to catching up with everything, but it's been a few days (at least). Meanwhile in good, pat-me-on-the-back news I actually applied for a job today! The first, hopefully, of many. No need to ask how it turns out - I'm not really qualified for it - but a huge moral victory none-the-less :). | | Saturday, April 17th, 2004 | | 3:08 pm |
Sleepy time :)
I had a dream last night where I saw 8 sharp-shinned hawks and a few woves out the window. I call for my aunt to come, but she is busy in the kitchen. A tank-like giant fax machine comes in through the door (which is a restaurant-style double set of doors) and we check it out. Then there is a person at the door. I go to answer the door (although clearly it is not locked) and it is a man wearing a military-style helmet and carrying a huge gun which is pointed in my face. I am to follow them. They take me away, and the hawks and wolves depart. | | Thursday, April 15th, 2004 | | 11:24 am |
a shift...
I'm allowing a lot of distractions into my life, getting more involved with people out here, learning personal drama of people I know in meetings, and spending quite a bit of time on the phone. Not to mention the computer. I think I'm pulling out of my life here gradually. I could be making a big push right now but I'm not. I could be extremely concerned that my project will most liekly be somewhat of a bust, but I'm not. I'm letting it take its course, not overly directing or managing it, and mostly letting go. I'm available for technical questions and trouble-shooting, and I'll put in the work, but I'm not overseeing it; I'm not owning it. My whole identity is about to change radically and I need to put my identidy back into what's portable - me. Right now that means figuring out what I'm all about again. I've taken a bit of a break from myself and allowing my work to subsume me to a degree. And I've been ok with that. But now I need to detatch. And if that means a dip in quality and productivity, I'm ok with that. That's what was kicking me about the logistics. Knowing that staying here for an extra month or two while I figure things out isn't viable. It's too expensive, the pressure to leave will be great, and I abhor the summers here. Current Mood: moving on | | Tuesday, April 13th, 2004 | | 11:18 am |
rain...
My existance right now is focused on being kicked in and out of undesirable places. I am a "no-person". Even just now my privacy is tenuous at best. It is hard to relax, and nearly impossible to work. Where are the other vampires? The amount of distractions and anxiety from the outside world, when added to the amount of distractions and anxiety from the inside world seem to exceed 100%. The anger generated by the demands of the outside when coupled with the demands of the inside world also exceed 100%. Sometimes I crave being anonymously alone in a dark cave with no outside interaction. The distractions become too much. Meanwhile my work hangs in the balance. Already I have been "seen". While missing my class seems to be the obvious solution (as much as I prefer to go), at least one person will notice that I should be there, as I am here, and not lying in a ditch somewhere. All my life I have sought the space between the clock. Between time, outside of the hour to which everything else adheres. Searching for the perennial "blank slate" - the opportunity to start over. Unable to function in the midst of others functioning. Needing silence, and the tension holding up my shoulder blades to fall. Needing a longer space between stressors than what occurs naturally. There are still practical questions to attend to, regarding legislation and taxonomy, biology and horticulture. But the questions that burn regard time and space. The deadlines that crush; the calendar that looms. And yet I have been having fun in the face of it all. Things are good right now. I met 2 new people this week in my field, one in my area, and another who seems to be personally interested in me. I had a great time at the meeting last night. And the guy I went out with several weeks ago called (I seem to have imagined his lack of interest). The rain continues to fall - at once beautiful and scary. Beautiful for the renewal and hope it represents. Beautiful for the lighting, and brightness of color against the gray backdrop. Beautiful for affording me the privacy I do not seem to feel without the cloak and spectre of clouds and wet. And scary because we live at sea level. Scary because of the build-up in the roads, that continues whether I am in here or out there watching it. Scary, because I never know when my car just won't make it through. Scary, for being reminiscent of walls closing in. Scary, because it's out of my control. Rain- once the symbol of freedom, now stands also for oppression - the tyranny of accumulation; panic; drowning. |
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